Feb 16 2011
For years now, I’ve dreamed of having a child but not in the sense you probably think.
You see, it took a long time for me to be “ready” for parenthood. By ready, I mean finally willing to take a leap and be scared out of my mind. For most of my adult life, the idea of being responsible for another human made me cringe. I was well aware that I was much too selfish. I even began to worry that I might never be ready for a child and wondered if that would be something I’d regret in old age when everyone I knew was dead.
Then I would have a dream about about a baby, my baby. Upon waking, I’d regret that it was over right away because the realization that that person didn’t exist left a crater in my chest. As the day would wear, the intensity of that feeling of loss would fade, but I had the reassurance that patience was the key. I would be ready for parenthood… someday. I knew I had the capacity to love a child more than anything. Even though I was the only person I knew who didn’t want to go out and start karate chopping height marks on the wall for seven kids A.S.A.P., I’d want at least one… someday.
Years passed, and someday finally came. Someday snuck in through the back window and became my shadow. At first, I could only see Someday out of the corner of my eye. Then, one day, Someday stepped right in front of me and has stared me in the face since then.
My dreams evolved. The emptiness upon waking didn’t entirely go away. It seemed everyone everywhere was becoming a parent. Everyone but me, that is. Fighting jealousy became a daily battle.
Then we moved forward with adoption, and just like that, there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
Saturday night, I dreamed we were matched with a birth mom. The moment we were matched, I was suddenly sitting on the couch watching a movie with K, and I was pregnant too. In my dream, the birth mother and I were linked somehow and both pregnant with this sweet little person. K and I were so happy.
The baby was born, and at first it was a boy. Then as the dream progressed, the baby was a girl (as though it had always been a girl… you know how dreams can be.) And we loved that kid so much. Waking up has never been harder.
It has been interesting and a little frightening to see the evolution in myself over the last couple of years. I’ve learned things about myself that I didn’t know, and I’ve had a shift in priorities that I would’ve never predicted. As it turns out, I didn’t really know myself at all.
However, I can tell you what I know– what my dreams constantly reinforce– I’m going to love the hell out of my future child. I already do.