Jun 13 2013
Today something wonderful happened. I turned in my resignation.
Before the dream of Baby Boy began growing in my heart, I never thought I’d care so much about what my future child ate. I never thought I’d care so much about how much he learned and what he learned. I never thought I’d care about diapering options. I certainly never thought I’d want to be a stay at home mom.
Then the dream of him began germinating in my heart. It stayed there struggling for years before I truly admitted and accepted its presence and even longer before I admitted it to K. I remember waking up more than one fall morning, looking out at the changing leaves on the trees, drinking a cup of coffee, and admiring the almost visible crispness on the other side of the glass. I also remember the visceral longing for Baby Boy that accompanied it. I dreamed of all the things we’d do together.
Still, I didn’t think I’d be the kind of person who’d want to be a stay at home mom. I wasn’t sure what sort of person that was, but I was certain that it wasn’t for me– that I wasn’t that person, whoever she was.
Then we started the adoption process, and something shifted deep in my chest. How I perceived myself and my contribution to the world began to shift. Interest in a career slowly began to roll off the table while the desire to be at home with our future child began to creep in like fog until one day (many months into our adoption wait), that fog became solid and all I could feel in relation to my future. I felt a little bit like I was failing my sisters in feminism who fought and still fight for equal rights.
Immediately after we brought Baby Boy home, we tried very hard to make this dream happen, but it just wasn’t meant to be. I made my 40 plus minute commute to work every morning feeling the saddest of sad on one hand yet so grateful to have a little guy to miss on the other. Still, those long drives to work have seen their fair share of tears over the last year and a half. I’ve left my heart behind every morning since Baby Boy was born. No matter how much I put my back into it, I was not a better mom because of my career. I was just a sad mom.
However, just when I truly came to peace with the unfortunate and bitter life lesson that not everyone gets to live out their dreams, something happened and changed our situation. Today marks the day that there is officially an end to mornings leaving my sweet baby behind and being far away from him all day.
Over the past year and a half, Baby Boy has stayed with a FANTASTIC sitter who is, and I don’t say this lightly, nothing short of a blessing. He will still go there part time. He’s such a social little guy, and he loves his sitter and his friends there so much. I will spend that time working on my growing little soap business. It’s something I’m oddly passionate about– I know, it’s lame to be passionate about soap, but I am. What’s better is that I will see my guy, my TRUE PASSION, every day! On the days when he’s visiting his sitter, he will be MINUTES away.
Christmas! I am already looking forward to tackling all that fun holiday stuff on Pinterest with Baby Boy. I’m dreaming of making cookies together, watching The Polar Express with our own hot chocolate, and visiting the mall to see the festive displays. I’m looking forward to making hand turkeys at Thanksgiving! I’m looking forward to covering the front porch in fake spider webs together at Halloween.
To put it simply, I’m looking forward to finally being able to make the dream that has lived in my heart since those crisp fall mornings a reality.
Today, something wonderful happened.